The English Cyclist

-THE OFFICIAL ENGLISH CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT-

1. Style and image is the last thing the English Cyclist shall be concerned about. A
screwed-up face, showing pain/determination is encouraged at all times to prove one's
self as a "hardman". Any attempt to look stylish is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
2. The English Cyclist must ALWAYS nod and/or wave and/or say "hello" at passing
cyclists, unless they are on Mountain Bikes.
3. The English Cyclist shall wear black tights at all times, even in (rare) hot weather.
Shorts can be worn in special circumstances, but it is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED that
they are worn over the tights. NO TEAM KIT is allowed under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES as
this can make the English Cyclist look stylish and would take away the unprofessional
look.
4. Real English men do not feel the need to shave legs and a thick layer of fur on one's
legs should reflect the English Cyclist's image as a hardman. The only exception is
TTs, where the excuse given for shaving is "aerodynamic advantage".
5. For a time trial event where a skinsuit is worn, fake tan MUST be applied to one's
legs if racing in the summer months. It must look orange, hence fake, so fellow English
Cyclists know that they are not dealing with a Euro Cyclist, who will have a real tan.
6. Socks must be black and made of wool to keep the cold weather out. The thicker,
the better.
7. Cycling shoes shall be dirty all year round, to reflect the ammount of long-distance
milage the English Cyclist has accomplished during the winter months.
8. Shoes should be Mountain-Bike specific, to make walking easier, retaining the
English Cyclist's gentlemanly qualities.
9. One’s bike frame shall contain one (1) colour only. More colours will make the
bicycle look expensive and destroy the English Cyclist's old-fashioned look.
10. One shall race only on 32-spoked wheels. No fancy aero/lightweight wheels
allowed UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Bladed spokes and wheel decals are out of the
question.
11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with clinchers, no thinner than 23mm. Black/Beige
tyres ONLY. Puncture-resistant tyres are RECOMMENDED.
12. No eyewear of any kind is to be worn AT ANY TIME.
13. Hair shall be kept short. Helmets must be the cheapest possible available and
must have a colour scheme which clashes with the bicycle.
14. If the English Cyclist is a lady, long hair is acceptable, but no helmet shall be worn.
15. English Cyclists must ride with mudguards AT ALL TIMES, regardless of the
weather conditions.
16. Kits must get as dirty as possible. This acts as a badge of honour for the English
Cyclist who goes out in all conditions.
17. Saddles shall be black, to match tights and must be very comfortable.
18. Handlebar tape is required to be black and AT LEAST four (4) mm thick, to keep
the English Cyclist comfortable over the rough roads/potholes of Her Majesty's
Highways.
19. The English Cyclist shall NEVER be seen with any type of Headphone/Earphone
contraption.
20. The English Cyclist will eat ONLY Porridge for breakfast, WITHOUT MILK. Honey is
acceptable for added flavour. The English Cyclist will not be seen eating anything on
the bicycle, except Bananas or Kendal Mint Cake. Isotonic Sports Drinks are
recommended for serious sportive events ONLY.
21. In summer months, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will the English Cyclist pour water
over one's head in order to cool down. The English Cyclist must not be seen to
overheat at any time.
22. Shimano is the only acceptable component manufacturer. SRAM is forbidden
because they, arguably, make better parts and are more expensive. All components
must be as cheap as possible, so the low budget of the English Cyclist shall be kept
within.
23. The English Cyclist shall have two (2) bicycles. One shall be used in the Winter and
one shall be used in the Summer. The Summer bike shall be reffered to "The Good
Bike" and must NOT be ridden during Winter months. The Winter bike must be reffered
to as "The Winter Hack" and it is STONGLY RECOMMENDED that the Winter bike is
fixed-gear or a cyclo-cross bicycle.
24. One shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with mountain-bikers.
This cannot be overemphasized! It is FORBIDDEN to have flat-handlebars, knobbly
tyres or suspension OF ANY KIND.
25. During a longer ride of at least fifty (50) miles, it is IMPERATIVE that the English
Cyclist has a "Cafe Stop", where a cup of tea and cake can be consumed. It is
important to keep one's helmet on AT ALL TIMES during the cafe stop. The English
Cyclist will NOT be seen drinking anything other than tea. Coffee is STRICTLY
FORBIDDEN. English Cyclists shall look for ANY excuse to stop off for a cup of tea and
cake.
26. Mountain bike gloves are recommended at all times, to keep the English Cyclist's
ENTIRE HAND warm. Fingerless gloves are frowned upon. Gloves must be black.
27. Because of dangerous drivers, solo rides are NOT RECOMMENDED for English
Cyclists. Joining a cycling club is essential and all rides MUST be reffered to as "Club
Runs" or "Chaingangs". ALL riding must start no later than 10am and riding in the
evenings beyond 5pm is not acceptable.
28. On the rare occasion that the English Cyclist is out riding by themselves, If the
English Cyclist shall see another Cyclist further down the road, racing past the Cyclist
in question is COMPULSORY. The English Cyclist shall NOT acknowledge the presence
of this cyclist and MUST NOT look back at the cyclist, once overtaken. The English
Cyclist shall not be seen to be fatigued in any way, throughout the process.
29. The main focus of a Club Run is for a social gathering of English Cyclists.
Conversation should be high on the agenda, with training being less of a priority.
Taking a club run too seriously is NOT ACCEPTABLE, unless the gradient exceeds five
(5) percent.
30. A large saddlebag reflects the great mechanical experience of the English Cyclist
and should indicate how competent the English Cyclist is with tools. A Frame-Pump
shall be on the bike AT ALL TIMES.
31. Gearing shall be restricted to a compact chainset, with a 12-27 cassette. Higher
gears are seen as "showing off". Any cyclist seen with a double (39/53) is considered
too fit to be an English Cyclist and will be accused of "foul play" if taking part on club
runs. A tripple chainset is acceptable for especially hilly terrain (above five (5)
percent).
32. Trackstanding at traffic lights is UNACCEPTABLE UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. This
technique is reserved for fixed-gear couriers & fakengers ONLY. Leaning against
railings is acceptable but it is recommended that the English Cyclist has AT LEAST one
(1) "clipless moment" per month.
33. The English Cyclist MUST be in possession of AT LEAST one (1) front light & one (1)
rear red light AT ALL TIMES.
34. Sportives should be the main focus for the English Cyclist and ALL training MUST
be focussed towards a particular event in the Summer. No higher aspirations are
allowed, such as the Tour de France or ANY event which includes Euro Cyclists.
Olympic Golds at the Track should be mentioned as targets, during casual
conversation, but should not be persued.
35. If the English Cyclist in question is male and has a wife, it is her duty to have a hot-
meal on the table as soon as the English Cyclist gets home from the club run. It is
important that the food is a traditional English dinner, regardless of its value as
"recovery" food.
36. The English Cyclist's image as a hardman dictates that massages, saunas,
physiotherapy & jaccuzzis for recovery are NOT permitted. Ice Cold showers and/or
baths and stretching (in private) SHALL be done after a club run IN SILENCE,
regardless of pain.
37. The English Cyclist shall be limited to a MAXIMUM of 800m of climbing per week.
Walking up hills is RECOMMENDED.
38. The English Cyclist's "Good Bike" MUST NOT be lighter than eight (8) kilograms
and must have a new chain installed every 200 miles. The Good Bike must NOT be
used in the rain and can only be used for seventy (70) days per year, in order to keep
it in good condition. The Winter Hack will have its chain replaced every two (2) years.
The Winter Hack's drivetrain must be AS BLACK AS POSSIBLE to reflect the English
Cyclist's dedication and must be as heavy as possible in order to demonstrate its
inferiority.
39. Wherever possible, the English Cyclist SHALL refrain from going outside and do a
turbo-trainer session instead. This is ESPECIALLY ADVISABLE in Summer, when going
out on the Good Bike is risky, due to a POSSIBLE rain forecast.
40. A MINIMUM of 3 Water Bottles is ESSENTIAL. Extra bottles MUST be carried in
jersey pockets.
41. Retro down-tube shifters and EXCESSIVELY loose brake cables are
RECOMMENDED.
42. Long-Sleeve Jerseys MUST be worn ALL YEAR ROUND. Short-Sleeved Jerseys with
arm-warmers are acceptable as long as the arm-warmers are BLACK.
43. The projection of one’s fatigue is RECOMMENDED AT ALL TIMES. The English
Cyclist SHALL make loud noises while climbing and MUST get out of the saddle AS
MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
44. During Summer, any commuting to work using a bicycle will be done on the Winter
Hack ONLY. For commuting, A rucksack or panniers MUST be fitted to the bike,
regardless of weather or not they are used.
45. During ANY conversation, ESPECIALLY with non-cyclists, It is ESSENTIAL that the
English Cyclist mentions how proud they are of the Team-GB Olympic track squad and
must point out that any road work they do is merely an exercise to suppliment their
MUCH SUPERIOR track work. David Brailsford, Victoria Pendleton and Chris Hoy should
be mentioned casually when speaking about "mates" you see at the velodrome
regularly.
46. When asked "how are you?" while riding one must proceed with one of the
following...
i. Complain about the potholes/road surface
ii. Explain that one is peaking for bigger sportives later in the season
iii. Complain about the weather
iv. Ignore the Cyclist COMPLETELY, in accordance with rules 2, 24 & 28.
v. Mention that one is cycling to the velodrome for OLYMPIC training. It is IMPERATIVE
that rule 45 is followed under this circumstance.
47. If one feels the urge to relieve oneself during a club run, they shall let the other
riders know so that they can stop off at the nearest cafe. Relieving one's self by the
roadside is FORBIDDEN and will permanently destroy one's gentlemanly image.
48. When climbing anything with a gradient above five (5) percent, the English Cyclist
MUST get out of the saddle and breathe heavily. The English Cyclist MUST NOT pedal
on the descent.
49. During a sportive, one shall throw empty water-bottles to the side of the road
while on the drops at high speed, in order to look like a pro-cyclist. Munching on gels
every 2 minutes is also RECOMMENDED.
50. If in doubt, the English Cyclist shall mention on a club run that they have a cold,
thier bike position is not set up right or that thier brakes are rubbing, slowing them
down.
51. While on a club run, if the pace goes too high, the English Cyclist shall pretend to
get a puncture whenever they are too tired to continue cycling in order to bring the
bunch to a standstill. One shall proceed to pump up the tyres, while constantly feeling
them and listening for air escaping. Once recovered, the English Cyclist shall get on
the bike and continue riding, looking at the tyre, with a confused face.
52. The English Cyclist must use ANY excuse to buy new bike parts. The lack of desire
to buy more expensive parts/bikes is NOT ACCEPTABLE. The mantra of "All the gear,
no idea" should be followed RELIGIOUSLY.
53. Before buying a full road-bike, the English Cyclist SHALL first buy a Mountain-Bike,
then go through the "Crappy-Hybrid" stage.
54. Male English Cyclists SHALL be dellusional when it comes to women. It is important
to, not just think, but to BELIEVE that one is extremely attractive to the opposite sex
when on your bike in full-lycra.
55. While commuting (especially in London), the English Cyclist shall make every effort
possible to look AS RIDICULOUS AS POSSIBLE. This includes bright-yellow-flourescent-
glowing capes (worn over a ruck-sack) and having as many lights as possible. Silly
Commuting Racing is ESSENTIAL.